The rest of the world is so unlucky that they are not cool like me. Last week, i had this great idea. You see the Head and i were planning a New Year's Eve party. And i always like to have a drink theme because i feel it ties the whole evening together. I like consistency. So i kept thinking how the fuck do i have a drink-themed New Year's party? Margaritas and beer are out of season, whiskey is too damn expensive, and wine is too pretentious. So i says to myself i says, holy balls. What about a vodka party? I'll buy gallons of Kamchatka and mix up pitchers of screw drivers, salty dogs, madras, and bloody mary's. And i'll have some sipping vodka (Stolis) for the truly hard core. It will be a smash, and probably not that expensive to pull off. The Head was delighted. So that was it. I sent out the invitation and promoted it as a vodka-only party. I called people pussies if they wanted to drink anything less. No champagne toasts, just gentle Stolis sipping by the fire. I'm a regular fucking Martha Stewart. But celebrating vodka on New Years has a very personal and emotional significance for me. Allow me to share my story...
Several New Year's ago, in the land of Chicago where i once lived, i decided my new years resolution (along with the resolution of never making any more new years resolutions) was that i was going to quit drinking beer. "Good for you" some chums said. "Fuck you asshole" other chums added. The general reaction was mixed, but both sides of the issue were obviously confused. I did not say i was "quitting drinking." I said i was quitting beer. I made the conscious decision that i would only drink straight vodka henceforth.
So the week after New Years, i sat alone at bar and ordered an Absolut on the rocks with a water back. Slowly i sipped the vodka and chased with the water. Two and a half hours later, i was finished. This came to be my practice for weeks into the future, each time sipping a little faster, chasing a little slower, and occasionally exploring the virtues of Smirnoff, Ketel One, Grey Goose, etc, and so on. Until one day, i came upon the Stolichnaya. Now most people dont know this, and rarely does anyone know what you are talking about when you do it correctly, but the name is actually pronounced "Sto-leech-nee-ya." But you can call her Stolis for short. And her and i became fast friends. All other vodkas, and i dont give a fuck where you were raised or what you think you know about vodka because of the trendy-ass expensive crap you mix in your extra dirty martinis, pale in comparison to Stolis. Stolis is a quality, QUALITY spirit; not cheap, but not prohibitively expensive, and has a buttery texture that just rolls around in your mouth like there's a party going on in there. And not one of those crappy, chaotic parties like the one we're throwing for New Years, but the sophisticated ones where your rack looks awesome in that black dress and everyone is sitting on leopard print chaise lounge chairs drinking out of Waterford crystal.
And dont you even have the nerve to chime in by saying "Yeah, i love Stolis Vanilla." Wash your goddamn mouth out with soap! Flavored vodka is BULLSHIT. It is not vodka, not MY vodka at least and you're a pussy if you're going to try to compare your fairy-ass flavored vodka drinking to the pure happiness that a room-temperature neat Stolis kisses upon your lips as you gaze lovingly at the crystal clear liquid in your glass that always seems to smile back at you.
So i really love Stolis and we've been intimate friends for several years now. Neat, on the rocks, and sometimes in the summer mixed with just a splash of soda water are all good preparations. And Stolis is best shared with a friend, a friend like Lady Ash-hole who always makes sure she's got a bottle when i come to visit. Once, the Head gave me a taste test between vodkas and even grades of Stolis itself. And i discerned properly, bitches. I discerned. Because Stolis isnt about about drinking. Its bigger than that. Its about a long term relationship. There is give and take (Stolis will give the occasional hangover, and i just keep taking it). We've spent the best of times together, and the worst. And once again, we'll be ringing this New Years in together.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Driver's Ed refresher for fucking morons
Treat yourself this Xmas and spring for a refresher course in Driver's Ed. Trust me, you need it. I am so sick of all the fucking morons on the road. I thought it was bad living in Chicago narrowly avoiding ~3 accidents on each leg of my drive daily. Now that i live in Nashville, i only have to narrowly avoid about 2 each day. But the stupid shit drivers do is much more creative and idiotic than the normal Chicago "i'm just gonna cut your ass off" racing style. Here's some gems of advice:
Let's hit the gas pedal when you're on a freeway entrance ramp. If you want to merge in with traffic that is going about 85 mph, it doesnt help to slow down to 25. What do you think if you turn your signal on and slow down, the traffic will stop to let you on the interstate? The only stopping i see is when the car behind you ends up in your backseat because you were the moron that slowed down to merge onto a high speed highway. Fucking idiot.
When a tractor trailer has its turn signal on and is preceding into your lane, dont fucking speed up next to it. Its already coming into your lane and it certainly doesnt see you. And guess what. It outweighs your fucking minivan. So thanks for participating in that fatal car-crash that clogs the 6 o'clock news and backs up traffic for miles so that i miss getting home in time to watch the 6'o clock news. Fucking died-in-a-fiery-carwreck idiot.
Put the fucking cell-phone down, you fucking moron. You can't be talking on a phone, smoking a cigarette, putting on your mascara, and shifting your piece of shit manual transmission Ford Festiva while navigating through a narrow parking garage at 35 mph. Because you dont corner so well around those turns with one hand on the wheel and the other one up your ass. Is it possible that you havent reached that stage of your advanced education where you understand what the term "bi-directional traffic" means in the context of a parking garage? Are you that insecure about being alone with your own thoughts (or lack thereof) that you have to be on the cell-phone seconds after you get in your car every day? The best part is that even though you narrowly avoid crashing into me and i slammed on my horn and flipped you off, you dont even notice. Because you are too busy talking to Ashley about why Brandon hasnt called you yet after you spent last night fucking him. Fucking he's-not-gonna-call-cuz-he-has-a-girlfriend-already idiot.
Now this is a southern gem because i have never experienced this living or driving in any city in the north. If you're planning to turn left on a busy street where there is no turn-light, why the fuck dont you pull up into the intersection so you can turn left after the light changes to red? It's called "blocking the intersection;" necessitating that you turn after the light switches to red so the opposing traffic can proceed, and its perfectly legal. And sometimes the only fucking way to make that left-hand turn. No one in Nashville TN understands this concept. So you can sit in the turning lane through 4 light changes in line of traffic backed up to the moon, and the moron in front of you is quite content to keep waiting until he receives a personal invitation to turn. Come on, moron. People are usually driving in their cars because they want to reach a destination, not sit in a lane for 20 minutes wasting gas. Pull that rusty pick-up truck under the light, and fucking turn. Fucking inbred southern hillbilly idiot.
Along those same lines, another southern driving gem has to do with the profound belief that below the Mason-Dixon line, cars have been manufactored without horns. If some big-haired big-assed southern belle is too busy teasing her bangs to notice that the light has changed from red to green, its best just to wait until she's done primping than to encourage her to proceed through the intersection. Where a small TOOT is perfectly appropriate and will alert Ms. Bobbi-Jo's eyes to the road, it is considered horrifying impolite and improper to do such a thing on the highways of TN. I mean sugar, ya'll rally not in that big a hurray that ya'll need to be beeping, hon? I shit you not, people. I have seen these inbred hicks wait through an entire traffic light cycle behind some car that is not moving just because they dont believe in horns. Come on folks. Press the steering wheel. Just give it a little push. I guarantee it makes a sound. Fucking lazy fat-assed big-haired idiots.
Happy and safe driving this holiday!
Let's hit the gas pedal when you're on a freeway entrance ramp. If you want to merge in with traffic that is going about 85 mph, it doesnt help to slow down to 25. What do you think if you turn your signal on and slow down, the traffic will stop to let you on the interstate? The only stopping i see is when the car behind you ends up in your backseat because you were the moron that slowed down to merge onto a high speed highway. Fucking idiot.
When a tractor trailer has its turn signal on and is preceding into your lane, dont fucking speed up next to it. Its already coming into your lane and it certainly doesnt see you. And guess what. It outweighs your fucking minivan. So thanks for participating in that fatal car-crash that clogs the 6 o'clock news and backs up traffic for miles so that i miss getting home in time to watch the 6'o clock news. Fucking died-in-a-fiery-carwreck idiot.
Put the fucking cell-phone down, you fucking moron. You can't be talking on a phone, smoking a cigarette, putting on your mascara, and shifting your piece of shit manual transmission Ford Festiva while navigating through a narrow parking garage at 35 mph. Because you dont corner so well around those turns with one hand on the wheel and the other one up your ass. Is it possible that you havent reached that stage of your advanced education where you understand what the term "bi-directional traffic" means in the context of a parking garage? Are you that insecure about being alone with your own thoughts (or lack thereof) that you have to be on the cell-phone seconds after you get in your car every day? The best part is that even though you narrowly avoid crashing into me and i slammed on my horn and flipped you off, you dont even notice. Because you are too busy talking to Ashley about why Brandon hasnt called you yet after you spent last night fucking him. Fucking he's-not-gonna-call-cuz-he-has-a-girlfriend-already idiot.
Now this is a southern gem because i have never experienced this living or driving in any city in the north. If you're planning to turn left on a busy street where there is no turn-light, why the fuck dont you pull up into the intersection so you can turn left after the light changes to red? It's called "blocking the intersection;" necessitating that you turn after the light switches to red so the opposing traffic can proceed, and its perfectly legal. And sometimes the only fucking way to make that left-hand turn. No one in Nashville TN understands this concept. So you can sit in the turning lane through 4 light changes in line of traffic backed up to the moon, and the moron in front of you is quite content to keep waiting until he receives a personal invitation to turn. Come on, moron. People are usually driving in their cars because they want to reach a destination, not sit in a lane for 20 minutes wasting gas. Pull that rusty pick-up truck under the light, and fucking turn. Fucking inbred southern hillbilly idiot.
Along those same lines, another southern driving gem has to do with the profound belief that below the Mason-Dixon line, cars have been manufactored without horns. If some big-haired big-assed southern belle is too busy teasing her bangs to notice that the light has changed from red to green, its best just to wait until she's done primping than to encourage her to proceed through the intersection. Where a small TOOT is perfectly appropriate and will alert Ms. Bobbi-Jo's eyes to the road, it is considered horrifying impolite and improper to do such a thing on the highways of TN. I mean sugar, ya'll rally not in that big a hurray that ya'll need to be beeping, hon? I shit you not, people. I have seen these inbred hicks wait through an entire traffic light cycle behind some car that is not moving just because they dont believe in horns. Come on folks. Press the steering wheel. Just give it a little push. I guarantee it makes a sound. Fucking lazy fat-assed big-haired idiots.
Happy and safe driving this holiday!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
