Get thee to a fucking dentist!

We're only half-way through January, and its already been a pain in the ass year for me. So i figured i'd start a blog series on health care so that i might educate you while traumatizing you with the ordeals i've been through in half a month. All hypochondrocizing aside, i've had to shell out shitloads of money and experience many a sleepless night because my body has decided it wants "attention."

The saga begins with my teeth, rather my gums. I have lovely teeth and they've been through a lot to get lovely: braces, retainers, polishing/seeing the dentist every six months, brushing after every meal, flossing daily, no unnecessary fellatio. Only 1 teeny cavity in 28 years. Well, i started to think my teeth were invincible, so four years ago i decided to stop going to the dentist. Actually, i didnt decide--i went to graduate school and we had shitty (if any at all) dental insurance so it just wasnt in my budget to go. What could happen, right? I brush. I floss. My teeth were perfect when my dentist last saw them. Four years ago.

Fast forward to Christmas evening this year. Out of the fucking blue, i was struck with the worst fucking pain i've ever felt in my mouth, right under my lower incisors. My initial decision was to ignore it in the hopes that it would go away. But it got worse. Strangely enough, my teeth themselves didnt hurt, but the gums below them did. And the gums swelled up really huge, and started spurting fountains of blood. I'm not shitting you. I'd brush my teeth and spit buckets of blood. So i says to myself, i says "fuck. I cant ignore this and it isnt going away." So i had to call a random dentist since i didnt have one (big props to SEDA for recommending i call 1-800-dentist. After all was said and done, the dentist i found ROCKED), and of course they couldnt get me in the week after Xmas so i had to get an appointment the following Tuesday. I was in serious fucking pain. I couldnt eat, i couldnt drink. Hell, i was sober on New Year's Eve. The only thing that helped was excercising, strangely enough. Probably that natural release of endorphins or whatever bullshit they tell us to motivate our fat asses to get on a treadmill. So i ended up going to see my general practitioner for some other bullshit and he put me on antibiotics for my gums, which saved my life because the swelling started going down and the blood fountains decreased to a trickle. However the cause and treatment of this condition were still unknown and i started expecting the worst. And friends were suggesting the worst: abscesses and root canals and infections going straight to my heart and oral cancer and FUCK.

So i get thee to the dentist. Xrays. Poking. Prodding. A lot of "ohs," "ahems" and "yikes." The verdict was in. Because of exceptional tartar buildup (all because i had not been to the dentist in the past 4 years to have it removed), bacterial infections had set in, causing my gums to recede and the actual bone in my lower jaw was damaged. HOLY FUCK! Pictures of myself, toothless, with lower jaw missing appeared in my head. FUCK FUCK FUCK! On top of it all, i had six cavities! Count 'em. SIX. I BRUSH MY TEETH, PEOPLE. But that was the least of my worries. When people tell you that you've lost bone in your lower jaw, you begin to imagine the worst. "BUT NOT TO WORRY!" my dentist lady says. We'll fix things and its at an early enough stage that the damage can be reversed. So they tell me what they are gonna do (weekly visits for three weeks), they show me what its gonna cost (HOLY DOUBLE FUCK!--ITS OVER A GRAND!), and i say OK. Sign me up. Its my teeth. Few things are more important, especially when you live in the south and see all the disgusting toothless hillbillies around you.

So here's how it went:
Round one: Gross debridement. A sandblasting ultrasonic cleaner is used to scour all the tartar off my teeth. Needed novocaine. A LOT of novocaine. It hurt like a bitch until they pumped my face full of the good stuff. Learned that i LOVE novocaine. It cant get you high, but i just enjoy playing with my numb face for the rest of the day. (i've got this great bit i do where i go to put on lip balm and i end up with it all over my chin because i cant feel my face). Other than initial soreness from sandblasting, i experienced IMMEDIATE relief of my gum infection. One week later, my gums and soul had started healing.

Round two: Planing and polish. Scrapey, scrapey, scrapey, the dentist digs into the surface of my teeth and roots to remove any and all leftover tartar. Not as bad as the sandblasting--only needed a little topical lidocaine around the lower incisors. Gums are healing like a champ now.
Big props for my mouth.

Round three: Final inspection and cavity filling. Gums are looking good, looking tough. No more pain. The bone should start healing soon and we'll check back in four months. As for cavity filling, here comes the big old needle of novocaine. LOVE IT! I'm not even bothered by the needle pinches of the injection--that sweet, sweet numbness is to follow. Drill. Fill. Like i wasnt even there.All done.

Now i have a bionic mouth. Six-million dollar (actually more like $1200) gums. My teeth shine and my gums dont bleed. My dentist even sent me flowers, because she was so proud of how i followed through with all this treatment. She better send me some freakin' novocaine too. I need my sweet, sweet fix.

So dont be a dumbass like i was. See your dentist regularly. Yes, your teeth can be fine, but your gums will fuck you up the ass when you're not looking. And believe me, they want to, those sucker-punching little bitches. And $100 a year for a dental visit is cheaper than $1200 for a three-week mouth restoration.