Mutherfucker. Shit, shit, g-damn, cocksucking mutherfucker. You kids ARE NOT gonna believe this. Someone stole our 20 year old, 500 lb John Deere riding lawnmower out of our carport this morning. Son of a fucking bitch.
You'd think we live in the fucking ghetto. First of all, there are no riding mowers in the ghetto. Secondly, we live on a cheerful little middle class street full of elderly people (none of which saw a fucking thing of course). Here's how it went down: the punk bitches took the beast in broad daylight, shortly after i left for work around 8:30 am, while the Head was soundly sleeping in the house. And since no keys were left in it and the battery was likely dead, they either had to roll it out of there (unlikely because there were no tire tracks across the lawn and they would have had to push that beast up some major hills) or they drove a flat-bed over and hauled it onto there, which makes this pre-meditated and all the more insidious. And here's the rub. ITS A PIECE OF SHIT. 20 years old, coated in soot, rust, grease and sloppily painted with the words "The Slappywag." The fucking thing barely starts and when it does it pollutes the whole neighborhood with smoke and could wake the dead. So why go through all that trouble to steal a piece of shit riding mower? Not the small, brand-new self-propelled mulching mower next to it, or the $500 chrome grille on the patio, but the piece of shit John Deere. Despite the heap that it was, we're pretty fucking devastated over it---we loved that piece of shit and it did a hell of job cutting grass. We had sentimental attachment to the Slappywag--from the wonderful surprise of learning we had inherited the beast from the previous homeowners, to the delightful glee of the Ash-hole proudly sitting atop that green chariot with his cowboy hat on, to our bubbly joy and sense of accomplishment we shared after we replaced its battery "all by ourselves." How sick of a fuck do you have to be to steal a 20 year old rustbucket from us in broad daylight? I am really, really really really really really fucking sick of hillbillies. They are the worst of all stereotypes and the most true. I know it was hillbillies because it was hillbillies that robbed our house the first time. Hillbillies are the only people who steal g-damn riding mowers. Two major fucking crimes committed on Casa de Head!!! Unbelievable. G-damn mutherfucking no-tooth dirty hillbillies.
You know how much its gonna cost us to replace the Slappywag? Probably over a grand. And our deductible on our home insurance is far too high to make it worth us filing a claim. If i ever, EVER see anyone of those dirtbags driving the Slappywag, i tell you what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna grab the Head's metal police baton, and i'm gonna go to work on that hillbilly piece of shit's shin. Then i'll go to work on his ribcage. Because that's MY MOWER, bitch, and you've broken our hearts by taking it. Now i'm gonna break your bones.
Despite my overwhelming urge to kill, i keep hearing a little voice inside. The voice keeps telling me that we havent seen the last of the Slappywag...Optimism aside, if anyone has any information on the wearabouts of our mower, you will be rewarded. The reward will be letting you use our baton to get several beatings in on the perpetrator.
Cast of Mofos
- Mean Christine aka Lady Head
- The Head
- Baby Head
- SEDA
- Hot Rod
- Madam Nonesuch
- The Ash-hole
- Turbo
- Fat Nick
- The Evil Dr. (posthumous?)
- You too can be a Mofo if you use your mad skills to drop phat comments!
9 comments:
The Head emailed me today about your loss. He also said that he was hungover this morning.
I don't think your mower was stolen. I think The Head took it out for a drunken joyride and now can't remember where he left it.
Hit him a few times with that baton. His memory will improve.
Not Slappywag!! Why I broke that steed myself. They used to hang horse theives ya know.
Sarah and I should head down there. The four of us will use the crime investigation techniques we learned from "Four Brothers" and find out who took Slappywag. First, we'll grab a pick up hockey game, then we will draw wild conclusions based on little evidence, next I will pull a gun in a high school gym, and then we will throw a couple of hillbillies out a window. A short gun fight and a bought of longshoreman-dressed fist-to-cuffs later, Slappywag will be ours.
Oh my gosh, Ash-hole, that is the best plan i've ever fucking heard. And we know from the movie that it will work, revealing a great conspiracy that our simple lawnmower was merely a pawn in. And much better than my initial plan to just start randomly setting our neighbors houses on fire until someone admits wrongdoing.
ED, I never said I was hungover. I said I was out late and wanted to sleep in.
I WAS NOT HUNGOVER!
I think you are projecting.
I agree with Lady Head's "Burn everyone's house down" policy.
That's such shit! Why is it that the neighborhoods with the old people have the most crime? My car has been broken into, my granmothers car was stolen while we were borrowing it and my mom's car has been broken into...! We're on a street where half the houses are vacant due to people dying from old age. It's fucking unreal is what it is. You need to find those people and beat the shit out of them. Then make a necklace out of their teeth.
"Why is it that the neighborhoods with the old people have the most crime?"
You fuckin' ol' farts! You got what you deserve!
Shutup you damn whippersnapper before I take a switch to you.
I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you’d say.
Nice Abe Simpson reference
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