I like to get wrecked

"I drink to forget." There are usually two camps of opinions on this phrase. There are those who are mad subscribers to it and have nary a cell left in their brains and livers, and there are those of us that are like, "man that's lame. I drink to party. Drinking can't make you forget everything."

However sensible the latter opinion may seem, i have gradually begun to realize how "i drink to forget" rings terribly true. Four months into my fetus-imposed sobriety, and i am plagued by what i remember. Memories i've successfully squashed for years and years have come crashing into my thoughts on a daily basis. Every elementary school wrong that was done to me or that i inflicted upon my pre-pubescent peers has been keeping me up at night. Every stupid thing i've ever said or drunken grope-fest with seedy indivuals or alley i've pissed in is brilliantly illuminated in my mind at completely inappropriate times. The most incidental bullshit--shit that under normal circumstances would be difficult to actively recall is right out there, parading about in my psyche. And of course, its only the events that cause me utter chagrin. Its not the time i got an A on a spelling test, or got a puppy, or hell, made out with that incredibly hot guy at the bar. Its only the mundane chagrin. And dear friends, you also suffer in my affliction, because i now recall all the stupid things you've done and said while you were wrecked in my presence!

While i'm sure the nauseating cocktail of pregnancy hormones that bathes my brain doesnt help my situation, i'm honestly convinced that my former practice of habitual drinking kept the painful intrusion of the mundane chagrin in check. I always wondered what people who don't drink do all day to keep themselves busy, and now i realize they are probably spending the majority of their time dealing with their intrusive memories. This is no way to live, people. So please, save yourselves. Keep on drinkin.' If someone criticizes you for your drunken misconduct, tell them you need the sauce for survival. You need to drink to forget. And if they ask "to forget what?" you simply say, "yes, that's the point exactly." You see, right now, you dont know what you're drinking to forget because its working. You are protected. Take it from me kids [insert imagery of weathered old woman with raspy voice, taking a drag off a cigarette] , i know things you don't know. And i know you want to avoid the mundane chagrin.

Because no one should have to lose sleep over the time they vomited down the side of a friend's Ford Festiva after consuming half a bottle of Absolut Citron. Life is too short to be bogged down with these minor details.