The mysteries of the sphynx

The person i admire most in this world...is my cat. Yeah, it sounds like one of those lame slogans you'd find on a 40-year old bachelorette with a buzz-cut's coffee mug, but honestly, i've been thinking a lot about it lately and i really admire that little son-of-a-bitch that lives with us (i'm speaking of the cat, not the Head, although i admire him too but for different reasons). You see, we have 4 cats but only one that is male and is a completely hairless cat. Here are the reasons i admire him:

1. He runs on pure emotion. I swear his brain is just one, giant limbic system. Unlike other cats that are aloof and independent, the skin-cat wears his feelings on his sleeve. There are no ulterior motives, no passive aggressive attempts to undermine the other cats or destroy things in the house. He puts it all out there. You can see every intention on his face. He loves his humans and his dog with every ounce of his being. He shows constant and incessant affection to the point of which he is a huge, purring pest. In fact, he's so loveable that everyone who meets him thinks he's this delightful little angel because he's never, never shown any mean-ness towards humans. But when the other cats vie for our attention, the angel turns into a raging devil. You can see the spite and jealousy working--he makes no attempt to hide it. Immediately he seeks fierce revenge on whichever cat that has commanded our attention. He will petulantly attack until he feels enough punishment has been dealt. He will do things that will make you exclaim "Wow, what a total dick. That was completely unnecessary." But that is what he does.

2. He has no fear. This is one of the traits i admire him most for. He's really not afraid of anything. Most cats are afraid of something. Not the skin-cat. He'll stare right at a running vacuum cleaner, just challenging it to come near him. He will bite the nose of a dog that is 10 times his size. Loud noises only make him more curious. Strange cats are not feared but only incite more rage from him. He's not afraid to make a jump and take a spill; he purrs when i trim his nails; he only voices minor complaints when he receives a bath; and he works the vet's office like its a Hollywood party. There's something seriously wrong with this animal.

3. He turns lemons into lemonade. When a cat is put into a position it doesnt want to be in, it usually struggles. Not the skin-cat. He immediately looks into the situation to determine what he can possibly get out of it. Picking him up against his will? Not a problem. He simply uses the advantage of being at human chest level to swing at ceiling fan cords or play with your hair. Lock him in a room to contain him? That's okay. He'll investigate every square inch of that room and find something to destroy and/or amuse himself with. Tell him not to do something? He'll systematically try all the parameters of your rule until he finds out exactly how far he can bend it without getting punished (for example, he's not allowed to sit on the dining room table, but he's learned he can sit on the chair with only his forepaws on the table without suffering consequences). One of the brightest moves i've ever seen him make is when we brought home a new puppy. All the other cats were pissed off, and we were worried that such a jealous creature as the skin-cat would really be mad at something that monopolized our attention. But he wasnt. He realized if he inserted himself into the situation by playing with the new puppy and hanging out with it, that it only garnered MORE attention from us ("what a good kitty--he's playing with the new puppy!"). A brilliant, BRILLIANT move. We could all learn a lesson from that.

4. He doesnt seem to realize he's a cat. In fact, he believes cats are an inferior species. He clearly prefers the company of his humans, doing everything we do, being everywhere we are; even tucking himself into the covers of our bed with his head on the pillow, just like us. When we ignore him, he then turns his attention to the dog, purring and cuddling and letting that slobbery beast lick his head until its saturated. Only when he's truly bored or being a total dick does he seek contact from the other cats--he shows temporary kindness to only one of them before biting her on the head, and the other two, well the other two simply exist for his sadistic torment.

5. He trusts his humans. Apparently, the little bastard is quite aware of how fond the Head and i are about him, and he definitely works that angle. However, the relationship goes both ways. Dangling by a claw from a curtain rod, i walk over to save the beast from falling. As i grab him, he lets go. He trusts that i'm catching him. I've never had a cat do that before. The others have always kept clinging on. I accidently clip his nail too close and he squeaks out. Instead of getting pissed and storming off, he accepts my apology and continues to let me clip the other nails. He trusts us.

I've seen more social intelligence in this pea-brained little creature than i've seen in many of my fellow scientists on campus. The question is: what makes this animal so brilliant? Does his lack of hair follicles somehow promote such a strong, consistent and diabolical personality? I dont know any other hairless cat owners so i cant answer that. What i do know is that i admire any creature that can live his life in such a raw, unrefined manner, but is entirely at peace with his conflicting nature of pure goodness and pure badness.