I know you're gonna be offended. I know many of you wear these things. But as your friend, life coach, and omniscient being, i owe it to you to tell you. "Crocs" look fucking stupid on you. So please take them off. Seriously. They were designed for gardening. And i'm sure they are great when you're actually gardening. Hell, you are probably the most stylish-looking gardening mutherfucker on the planet when you and your little fluorescent pink "crocs" are standing on top of a pile of mulch. But walking down the street? Going to a shopping mall? Traipsing through Target? No. You look like a fucking ASS. Those shoes are g'damn ugly. And your feet look stupid, and they are unflattering. You are simply falling in lock-step with a trend that says to wear something assinine. The manufacturers of these ugly rubber shoes are laughing at you too. They made a bet that no matter how fucking garish and silly something is, you will wear it. And they are winning that bet. And on top of looking ridiculous, you are paying $30 to do so. And i dont know what looks stupider: people wearing them with socks, or without. I really cant tell. It must be a ceiling effect.
More power to you if you want to wear them for gardening. That's cool man. You still look like a douche but most people that work in the garden dont give a rat's ass if they look like douches because they are up to their armpits in dirt. Also Mac-Attack puts these things on Mini-Money, but he's a toddler. Now toddlers make it a point to go about their day looking ridiculous, so its ok. And toddlers get into a lot of dirt. So maybe, just maybe its all right for a toddler to wear them. And doctors and nurses wear them, and this is okay too. Considering the fact that when i was in labor, i threw up all over my nurse. Including her "crocs." I bet she was happy that she could remedy the situation with a quick wash of her rubber shoes. That way, she could hurry back to scowl at me and take away my ice chips. So its cool for medical professionals to wear them. But they still look like dorks, but i dont think anyone other than a first year med student thinks that scrubs are fashionable either.
So look in the mirror before you leave the house. Please. Do it for yourself. Your feet deserve better than this. Grab those hooker heels out of the back of the closet. Give those strappy sandals a whirl. Dont neglect your old Adidas. But please. Leave your gardening shoes at home. Or you run the risk of me throwing up on them. Again.
4 comments:
Okay. So I was so with you on this. Said all the same stuff myself. Ranted about it. Even accidentally insulted the kids' grandma when she was wearing them. "Are you going to get a pair, Stepma?" the kids asked. "No, they don't look right on grown ups," I said, before realizing Grandma was standing in front of me wearing them.
Plus, my closet is full of hooker heels, as you know, so I have no natural affinity for these Crocs.
And then. One day I had to go get the paper and had no shoes and slipped on Buddy's Crocs, which are too big for him. And they were so very comfortable. With socks on. And now I wear them around the house. But then, this weekend, I wore them to Kroger.
I know they're not cool and are butt ugly. But they still have entranced me with their rubbery comfort.
Pray for me.
May the good Lord have mercy upon your soul. And i never thought i would EVER hear the phrase "rubbery comfort."
SEDA was here.
And I completely agree. Ugliest fucking shoes ever.
Okay, the only thing not cooler (more uncool?) than Crocs is not updating your blog in like, what two weeks, making us keep see this pink rubbery abomination each time we check in. What's a matter, Croc got your tounge?
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