Don't take it personal that i hate riding the elevator with you

Fuck mornings. Really, fuck them. The only thing worse than mornings is the fact i have to share them with the rest of the world. I don't care for conversations in the early a.m., and in fact, i won't even tolerate direct eye contact before i've had gallons of coffee. My intense maternal love and my infant's adorable toothless grin keep me from smothering the little bugger in the wee hours, but the rest of the world can go fuck themselves. The Head understands this and behaves accordingly; my mom avoids me like the plague in the a.m., but my dad never grasped this element of my personality and this is probably why i have a tense relationship with him to this day. Just don't fucking try to talk to me in the mornings! Avert your eyes!

If i am this intolerant of my own loving family, imagine how i feel towards perfect strangers. This has manifested itself as a complete inability to ride my parking garage elevator in the morning. The thought of sharing a restricted area of space with another human being, whether they avert their eyes or not, incites rage in me. It overrides my overwhelming sense of laziness and holy shit, i end up taking the fucking stairs every day! Interestingly enough, i take the elevator up the 7 floors of the medical research building in which i work because there are very few people that ride the elevators in the morning because they are all tree-hugging organic fruit eating assbags that think 'its good for them' to walk up 20 flights of stairs every day. Good for them, but better for me because i DONT have to walk up 20 flights and can avoid their smug faces during my 8:30 a.m. ascent to my lab. So the parking garage is my main aversion in the mornings because it brings me in contact with other humans, but there is this delightful, dirty little stairwell next to the elevators that i make a bee-line for while everyone else stands, waiting for the elevators. I used to stand with those people, intensely hating them all, and almost lashing out in violence if any of them spoke to me (and speak they do, because its the bloody fucking south and everyone is so g'damn friendly). Do not address Lady Head before 9am! You could almost hear the hissing from the snakes on my invisible medusa head, threatening to turn anyone who was stupid enough to make direct eye contact with me into stone. But then i realized it was better to walk a bunch of stairs than to be in the presence of another human being. Even if no one is standing at the elevator waiting, i refuse to take it, out of intense fear that someone will get on at another floor. Am i crazy? Fuck yes. But admitting it isn't going to stop my hatred of sharing an elevator in the a.m.

I've noticed that the elevator people look at me very weirdly when they are standing there, the elevator has arrived so there is no waiting, and i walk right past to go down the stairwell. Its as if they cant understand why i would choose to take stairs if i didnt have to wait for the elevator (these are clearly not the same health-conscience assbags that work in my building). They probably wonder if they have cooties or if i'm just an assbag, and of course they are right on both counts, but the main reason is that its TOO FUCKING EARLY in the day. They shouldn't take it personal--i'm not singling anyone out--i have a universal hatred of everyone in the morning.

By the time the work-day ends, my hatred of humanity has dissipated. Its fine and dandy to share an elevator--the more the merrier. I still don't care for conversation or eye contact, but at least i wont castrate them for attempting it. And there's no fucking way stairs are even remotely appealing in the p.m.