Fuck Tuesday

I started the day by getting shit on and ended the day not even being able to flush the toilets.

Baby Dude has started this nasty habit of having a personality, and quite an irate little one when he doesnt get what he wants. And lately, what he wants is for us to NEVER change his diaper. He throws a g'damn fit the minute we try to take his pants off and he wiggles and rolls over and tries to sit up as we struggle to remove one diaper and put on the next. This morning, the Master Crapper had the mother of all stinkers in his pants. It was a bad one. So as i'm struggling to restrain the beast so i can change him, he fakes me out and rolls over into his dirty diaper and covers himself waist to feet in a glorious brown pudding mess. There is shit everywhere. I pick him up and race to the shower, trying to rinse the shit off of the boy. Everything stinks, so i scrub every inch of him with soap and pass him off to Da-Da. Everything still stinks of course, because i discover that i am now covered in shit. Precious. So i scour myself and head off to work, hoping the day gets brighter.

Wrong. After several fuck-ups and massive disappointments at lab, i head home with a wanging headache. Baby Dude is teething and decides to be a dick about it. The serial killer that lives next door is soaking bodies or something in creosote and kerosene, which stinks up the entire neighborhood. After the Dude goes to sleep, i decide to water my flowers. Aside from the retching fumes emanating from next door, all is well with the world. Until i go to shut off the hose and the entire pipe from which the spigot is attached breaks in half. Water is now spurting out of the side of the house at a furious velocity. I force the Head into every dank corner of our spider-infested crawl space, we can't find a fucking shut-off valve. The shut-off at the water main on our front lawn requires a tool that we do not possess. Water continues to spew. It would almost be majestic, the water shooting out of a hole in the side of our house and flooding our flagstone patio if i didnt envision the little dollar and cents signs also spilling out as the water meter racked up points. The upshot is that this massive flood is occurring outdoors. This is a major upshot. Dirty and very, very angry, the Head finds some type of main shut-off valve deep within the bowels of the crawlspace. The C.H.U.D. living down there were apparently helpful. So the crying wall no longer sheds tears, but i cant flush my toilets now until Roto-Rooter shows up (imagine more dollars and cents signs flying about) and welds the pipe back together. They said they would show up in 2 hours, and i was hoping they meant 15 minutes. So we wait. The Head, stinking like dank crawl space. Me, soaked but too tired to change. Hoping and praying that the baby will not need a diaper change anytime soon.